I truly believe in my heart of hearts that it is a huge part of my purpose in this life to become a mother. I have felt that for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I saved up my allowance to buy this freakishly realistic looking baby named Josh. As far as I was concerned, Josh was as much of my baby as any baby I could have conceived and birthed myself. I then took it a million steps further. I continued to spend my allowances on clothes for baby Josh, bottles, accessories, I even built him a bed. (I was slightly obsessed). I have always had this inherent desire to love and nurture which now manifests itself in the form of baby fever. Recently, I have been feeling slightly behind in my life. I know probably everyone can relate to this, even if it isn't feeling like you should have 5 kids, you have probably felt like you are suppose to have something by now that you don't. I was praying the other night and I was like you know God, I am 25 and I feel like I am not going to be able to have kids at this point. I thought certainly by 25 I would have found a man to marry me and I would be on my way to producing a tiny basketball team. I have this timeline in my head that I cannot seem to let go of. God reminded me in that moment of the story of Hannah, which I didn't really know in detail, just what I had read in the book When Women Pray by T.D Jakes. Hannah has such a small section of the Bible, but her influence is so profound. Here's why.
If you don't know the story of Hannah, I recommend you reading 1 Samuel, but because I know you are already reading this, I will recap it for you. Hannah was one of the two wives of Elkanah. Hannah in the Hebrew language translates to favor or grace). Keep this in mind. It is important. The name of the other wife was Peniannah (she is relevant but only in a mean girl, antagonistic kind of way). Elkanah and Peninnah had children together, but Hannah was unable to conceive. It says that "The Lord had kept her from conceiving. And because the Lord kept Hannah from conceiving, her rival would make fun of her mercilessly, just to bother her." (1 Samuel 1: 5-6) I feel it is so important to look at this passage closely. "The Lord kept her from conceiving". It seems kind of cruel to think that God would withhold something so beautiful from someone who wanted so desperately to have children. Hannah could have easily used that as an excuse to not serve the Lord, but despite her condition, she still continued to present herself to and worship the Lord. I don't know if I could say I would do the same. Hannah goes on to go pray to the Lord asking him once more for a son. She promised the Lord if He gave her a son, she would dedicate him to the Lord for his whole life. That's a big prayer and a prayer that was prayed in faith. It says that after she prayed that prayer, "Then the woman went on her way, ate some food, and wasn't sad any longer." (1 Samuel 1: 18) She prayed her prayer, then left it in God's hands. She no longer carried the weight of it because she knew that if it was in God's will for her, He would honor it. After this it says, "They got up early the next morning and worshipped the Lord. Then they went back home to Ramah. Elkanah had sex with his wife, Hannah, and the Lord remembered her." (1 Samuel 1:19) The Lord remembered her. God hears you. When you cry out to him. When you feel hopeless or like faith is lost and He is not near. He hears you.
God gave Hannah a son who she named Samuel (Samuel means 'I asked the Lord for him') (1 Samuel 1:20). After she was done nursing Samuel and weaned him off of her, she took him to Eli and dedicated him to the Lord. Imagine this. You watch your husband (who is also someone else's husband) give so many kids to another woman. You want nothing more than to be a mother. God finally gives you a son and you then take him and dedicate him to the Lord. Then you WORSHIP about it. Hannah is such a strong woman of God. How many times in your life have you said, "God if you just give me this, I will use it to honor you. I promise." Then BAM. God gives you what you're asking for and you are like next time God, I promise. It can be easy to go back on our promises to God. I am guilty of it myself. But Hannah wasn't. God saw her faithfulness to him and gave her 3 more sons and 2 daughters. Can you imagine the joy she had? She went from being seemingly barren to having 6 kids. God did not forget about her. God did not forget about you either.
I know all of us are dealing with something in our lives that we need God's help to bring to fruition. It can feel so discouraging and hopeless to see people around you receiving blessings that you thought you would have by now. I want to encourage you. Keep praying. God hears your heart. He sees your tears. He knows your deepest desires and He wants to fulfill them for you. Your faithfulness to God should not, however, be dependent on the things that He can do for you. Your love and devotion to God should be based on who He is. All of the things that God does for us and gives to us are based solely upon His unconditional love for us. We could never earn His love for us. It is a gift that He gave us, so in return we should worship Him with our lives. We may or may not always get the things we think we want in this life. But when we are living in God's will for our lives, we can know and feel comforted that He is providing us with the things we need to advance His kingdom and that is the greatest honor of all. I want you to know that God loves you and He hears you and He knows you. Seek Him and continue seeking Him, even when you feel like it is useless. You will be surprised what He can do with your mustard seed sized faith.
I love you and I hope you have a good week. I pray God gives you His peace and abundance, and above all else, you feel His love surrounding you.